I Have an Illegitimate Little Sister?

As I have mentioned in my previous blog entry, my father is a serial cheater. I thought my father was just your typical cheating asshole you hear about all the time. But sadly no, he managed to do worse.

During my senior year in high school, my parents relationship was already deteriorating but suddenly my mom became COLD towards my dad. From what I knew at the time, the infidelity was “over”. Therefore, I was so angry with my mom; I always argued with her for being so mean to my dad. I hoped my family would come back together. I yearned for unity and peace in my house. When I would yell at her saying that she is a bad wife, she would just look down and tell me ‘you don’t know everything’. I didn’t know what she meant by this at the time. I was naive, I thought my dad was trying to fix our family while my mom was being selfish, immature, and ruining my father’s effort. And my dad would tell me ‘don’t blame your mom, let her be angry with me’. Again, I didn’t understand why. One day, my father told us he was going to Colorado for 4 days. I thought he was going there for a business trip. And my mom remained very cold towards him. He returned from his trip and about few months after, one night he comes up to me very awkwardly. I could tell he was nervous, and he finally opened his mouth. I remember exactly what he said, “Sweetie, I.. don’t know how to tell you this but um… I’m sorry… you have a baby sister. Her name is Leah.”

My body went numb. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t even know how to process that information into my head. My body was hot and I was upset. I don’t know how I composed myself but I didn’t react. I just nodded my head and told him it is what it is. Now that I think about it, I just pat myself on the back haha. I mean I was 17 at the time and that was a pretty mature move if you ask me. I finally understood why my mom was being so dismissive toward him, why my father told me to let her be, and why he went to Colorado. When he went to Colorado, he was visiting his at the time one year old daughter and his mistress. My mother heard about the mistress’s pregnancy from my father before I knew about it, and she kept it to herself the entire time. Whenever we argued, she never blurted out the reason why she treated my dad the way she did, all for me, so I won’t be hurt by my father’s wrongdoings (well too late). Now that is a mother’s love, and that was when I felt really bad. She had a terrible husband and on top of that, a terrible daughter whom assumed her mother was the culprit and added unnecessary baggage this entire time.

There are couple factors that upsets me till this day: 1. How my father can disrespect and treat the woman whom gave birth to his child this way. 2. He kept my sister a secret from me for a year. As a responsible adult, he should have manned up and told me when he found out she was pregnant. It is not like he found out he is the father when she was in labor. It is unfair how he sort of made it an unwanted surprised. I think I would have had more respect for him if he told me “I am sorry, but you’re about to have a half-sister she will be born in November. Blah blah blah.” 3. How he let my mother and I argue over him. I defended him thinking he was innocent. I feel SO stupid. Anyone whom knows me and my mother knows that we are best friends. And for my father to be the reason for our constant bickering is unfair. I apologized to my mom that next day, I was crying, she was crying telling me it is neither our faults. That was when I realized I cannot have a daddy’s girl relationship with my father anymore.

Lastly, I will say there are positive outcomes through this experience. First and foremost is that my mother and I became closer. And I was low-key happy to have a sibling. I grew up as an only child all my life, I was disappointed with my father yet excited to have a sister.

The Musings of a Girl with a Cheating Father

        This topic is so sensitive and emotional for me to discuss but I figured there are other people past this screen who can relate to my experience. Unfortunately, my dad has messed up so many times I probably cannot type it all up in one sitting.

        I found out about my fathers infidelity when I was 13 years old. I was in Japan with my parents for summer vacation. One day, I wanted to look through the pictures my father had taken of us in his camera. I grabbed it and as I scrolled to the left, I see pictures of a woman. A woman that is not my mother, a woman that is younger, a woman that is naked. I scroll more to the left, now my dad is in the picture with her; both naked and taking nude photos together. I was stunned and mostly confused. “Why am I seeing this? Why is my father with another woman?”

          I immediately told my mother. Even till this day I wonder if that was a right thing to do. If I had not told her, she wouldn’t be the negative and bitter woman she is today. However, if I had not told her, she would have not known about it when she deserved to know.

          My father’s infidelity with this mistress didn’t end, it was ongoing and he continuously lied. He probably got caught cheating again three more times with that same mistress. My mom was forgiving and even blamed herself initially. But it started getting really old and she got tired and disgusted with my father in the end, which is understandable. Our Sunday dinners didn’t consist of laughter anymore, solely silence and awkward tension. I was the middleman between my parents all the time.

         Acknowledging that I have a father that is a cheater is… an indescribable feeling. People generally think only the spouse is severely affected but wrong. Countless amount of time have I wept, gotten depressed, heck I even had to get therapy to fix my life. What makes me sad is that I always thought a father is a daughter’s first love. Qualities girls want in a man resembles the qualities their father has. But for me, that’s not the case anymore. I now look for what is the opposite of my dad. A man that is not a disgusting dog, a loyal, respectful man. As my page title says “a lesson learned everyday”, the lesson I learned in the past six years was that my own father was capable of hurting me more than any guy I have dated in the past. I do have a relationship with my father, but it is not and never will be the same. I don’t call him dad anymore. I don’t respect him anymore. Everything he says irritates me. I don’t want him to walk me down the aisle when I get married in the future. Our new and changed relationship is just shameful and pathetic.

Again there is more to this story but I will continue another day.

Recovering from Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA)

I was diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea (aka HA) around October of this year. My body finally stopped functioning properly after I overworked my body. I stopped getting my monthly period at the age of 19. Last time I got my period was June 2014. When I was diagnosed with HA, I looked all over the internet and there weren’t that many sites regarding HA compared to other health problems that affect women.

**** I’m not a doctor, I’m simply going off of what my OB/GYN has told me, my knowledge from taking reproductive biology course in college, and my light research. ***

What is HA? (yes I had to make it red)

Amenorrhea is a medical condition that causes absent periods in women. And hypothalamic amenorrhea is the absence of period due to problems with the brain (hypothalamus). When you suffer from HA, your brain stops releasing vital hormones that are needed to initiate a period.

Who suffers from HA?

According to my doctor it’s usually women with low body fat or weight, or going through a lot of stress. My doctor ran some blood tests and when he diagnosed me, he blamed my school; since college is nothing but stress to some. However, I knew that was not the reason, because school didn’t give me any stress (yeah I know I’m a rare college student). But I did know it was because of my health. I was eating very clean and was lifting weights. I simply wanted to improve my internal and external health but I was over doing it. On top of that, my job as a waitress screws up my eating schedule and causes me to under eat/eat only twice a day every time. Therefore, I knew it was because of low intake of calories.

My overall health

At the time my body fat was at 15 percent which is considered very low body fat for women. I unintentionally lost 16 pounds and stopped menstruating. It sucked to know my body was giving up on me. I’m basically became unhealthy by trying to be too healthy. The most scary part of this whole process was my doctor telling me that I can increase my chance of having osteoporosis and being infertile in the future if I don’t make a change. Who would want osteoporosis? And it would devastate me to not be able to have a mini me in the next 10 years. My doctor told me to take a break off the gym and to eat more to gain weight. And he put me on birth control pills to aid in regulating my hormone level.

Process

Thank God for the holiday seasons, it made it easier for me to eat like a pig with all the delicious, high calorie foods around me 24/7. It has been pretty nice to be told to loosen up and eat whatever I want. But believe it or not, gaining weight is much harder than losing weight. I didn’t know how to start gaining weight. And silly of me to think eating a family size bag of chips in one sitting would help me gain weight. After reevaluating my new eating habits, I decided this would not help me in the long term so I focused on eating more healthy calorie dense foods. I have gone through so much peanut butter, fruits (carbs), and nuts in the past 2 months. As a gym lover, I always emphasized on high protein intake. My body was low on fat so I figured I should increase my healthy fat intake. Lastly, I always ate a snack right before bed: yogurt, tofu, kimchi, whatever!

You guys have no idea how hard it has been to not be able to workout the way I would like to. My 3-4 times a week at the gym turned to 1-2 times a week. It was hard to acknowledge that all my efforts are going down the drain, but I was not going to let my current condition have a heavy impact on my future. Oh lastly, I’ve been taking birth control for one month (started around mid-November).

Results

Boy, I gained 8-10 pounds! Last winter I weighed 123, then became 107 recently after having a job and doing strenuous workouts, and as of now I am 115.  It’s mostly due to birth control (I believe) since it makes you retain water. My jeans are getting tighter and my curves are coming back. I missed my booty! All the weight I have gained seemed to be going to my arms, hips, and butt. And that’s okay, it was absolutely necessary. Now that I finished my pack of pills, I think I will lose some weight… But whether I maintain my current weight or lose the weight I hope my period will be normal for now on. Oh and drum roll….. I got my period yesterday!!! I am very happy and so is my body.

For those suffering with HA:

Tips

1. Do NOT eat unhealthy food to gain weight. It doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. I purposely ate McDonald large fries then ate a box of microwavable pizza during my recovery process and only felt like crap.

2. Do eat nutritious fatty food i.e peanut butter (YUM), cashews, avocados.

3. Up your calorie intake by adding calorie dense food whenever you can i.e cook your oatmeal with milk, then add dried fruits.

4. Remember, the temporary weight gain is worth it (more weight = regulated period = balanced hormones = healthier YOU)

5. Listen and love your body. Things like this happen for a reason, you think you don’t need a break but your body really does.